The Tapesty

My friend, Ford, was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer ten years ago. He was given a few months to live, but has survived for ten years. Today he and his wife learned that recent chemotherapy treatments have failed to stop the tumors that are growing in his pelvis and lungs. After enduring multiple surgeries, rounds of radiation and chemotherapy, and years of suffering, Ford and Dianne now face the hard reality that Ford’s options for being physically healed are running out.

So what do Ford and Dianne do after hearing this terrible news? They walk over to my home, knock on my door, and sing “happy birthday” to me. They bring me a card, homemade raspberry jam, and their priceless gift of love. Amid their unspeakable sorrow, they bring me joy and love.

Dianne recently wrote a book about the experiences of the past ten years. It’s entitled “Each Day Is a Blessing,” and I can’t wait to read it when it is published. Dianne keeps a journal, and she referred to it as she recounted the grief, despair, miracles, joys, and learning experiences that have filled the past ten years of her life. She talks about how prayer, laughter, faith, a positive attitude, and patience have helped her through the tough times. She writes, “Find joy in the simple and beautiful pleasures of life: a glorious sunrise, a breathtaking sunset, a rainbow, God’s creatures in all their varieties, the different seasons of the year, the list goes on and on! These are the things that just make my heart want to burst with happiness. When I experience one of these moments, I say, ‘Now this is living!’”

Imagine your life as a tapestry. From the back side of the tapestry, you see God weaving in a brown thread here, a beige thread there, then a grey thread, and suddenly a blue one. Because you are looking underneath the weaving, you can’t understand why God is choosing to change the colors and the yarns. Then you see a knot, a tangle, a frayed edge, and you think, “God doesn’t know what He’s doing. He is making a mess of life."

Eventually, you see the tapestry of your life from the top. You view a magnificent work of art with every thread woven perfectly in placed. You realize that during those times that you thought your life was a mess, God was making a masterpiece. You see that with each stitch and with each piece of yarn, God was weaving a beautiful work of art.

After their valiant and courageous battle with cancer, Ford and Dianne are learning a final lesson: acceptance. They realize the life does not always work out as we would choose. They know that although God sees the big picture, we do not.

Dianne says, “I have learned that God is the One in charge of Ford’s life. I don’t have a say in the Lord’s decision, so to accept whatever He feels is best for Ford, I need to be on the same page and not fight against His will. After all, I want what is best for my sweetheart too! This is the toughest lesson for me to learn, and I’m still working on it."

When we place our lives in God’s hands, none of our threads of experience are useless. God weaves our suffering, sorrows, and joy and love into a glorious creation. As we surrender to His will, He will make masterpieces of our lives. As we give our hearts to God, we allow Him to transform us from sinners to saints. We allow Him to make us whole.

© Carol Brown

Facing Unexpected Challenges

Our first vacation for the year turned out to be more challenging than we had imagined. I discovered that I could either ruin our trip with worry, anxiety, and despair or enjoy the peace and beauty of our new surroundings and keep my thinking positive and peaceful. This wasn’t always easy to do. After nearly missing our plane, we learned that a friend is dying when we arrived at our destination and also discovered that our son is very ill. Because fear could easily have consumed my thinking, I had to work hard to change my thoughts.

I recognized that using the techniques I’ve learned and taught during the past year really helped me move from misery to peace. I felt helpless being so far away from my loved ones during difficult times, but felt comforted in know that Lord loves them and understands their pain.

I’m including a list of potential peace-busters and some thoughts that can restore one to serenity. Either my close friends or I have faced these challenges recently. Note how simple changes in thinking can make a big difference is helping your experience peace amid sorrow.

1. You’re stuck in traffic (there’s been a wreck) and it looks like you’ll miss your plane.

“There’s nothing I can do about this but accept the situation as it is.”
“I’ll hope that I can make the plane, and if I miss it, I’ll make other arrangements.”

2. Your adult child is seriously misbehaving.

“I’ll continue to love my child, but I won’t enable self-defeating, addictive behavior.”

3. Your best friend has betrayed you.
“Although I feel sad that my friend has broken my trust, I have others friends who care about me. I can still be happy.”

4. A family member has offended you.

“I will not allow our relationship to be ruined by something my loved one said/did.”
“I’m going to focus on my loved ones strengths and ignore his/her weaknesses.”

5. The weather report forecasts lousy weather for each day of your vacation.

“I’m going to have a fun time on my trip regardless of the weather.”
“My happiness on my vacation does not depend on the weather. Perhaps the forecast is wrong.”

6. Someone you dearly love has just been diagnosed with a serious health condition.

“I’m going to enjoy spending time with my friend/family member. We’ll have many good times ahead and will count our blessings often.”“I choose to think positively about my friend’s medical condition and send loving thoughts his/her way.”

7. Your friend is dying from cancer.

“Although I grieve for the loss of my dear friend, I celebrate his life and am praying that his family will feel peace as they see him pass from this life to a better one.”"I am grateful that I am privileged to know this wonderful family and learn from their examples."

Each of us faces trials and sorrows at times. Moving from fear-based thinking to acceptance and peace can be difficult. Controlling our thoughts requires great self-control at times. The rewards of peace and inspiration are definitely worth the effort.

© Carol Brown

Valuing Ourselves

Years ago I attended a social where the women were introducing themselves. One said, “I’m a business owner.” Others commented, “I’m a high school principal.” “I’m a day care provider.” “I’m a counselor.” “I’m a salesperson.” Then, my turn came to speak. I stuttered, “I’m a homemaker.” “Who am I?” I thought . “I used to be a graduate student and then a teacher. Now, all I have to say is ‘I’m a homemaker.’”

When I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom, my half-sister told me I was wasting my college education. I tried to defend my decision, but she continued to criticize me. She reminded me that my half-sisters were doctors, executives, and university administrators. She said, “Why are you throwing away your master’s degree to be a full-time housewife?”

When Roseanne Barr announced that moms were domestic engineers, I stood a little taller. Still, at times I felt over-worked and under-valued. During the years I was raising my four children, caring for my mom, and volunteering in my church and community, I sometimes questioned my worth as a human being. Full-time motherhood can be a thankless, tiring, and difficult job at times, but now I realize that parenthood is one of the noblest professions on earth.

Now, I salute all moms who work and mother simultaneously. Both of grandmothers were single moms, and I salute their heroism and courage. One was widowed. The second’s husband left her. I know many other women who work and parent simultaneously and who do it well. But it would have been almost impossible to care for my children--with their multiple health challenges --and my elderly mom and then add a career to the mix.

Today I’m a business owner, published writer, and speaker, but when I’m in a group of woman, I prefer to say that I’m a mother and grandmother. Although I’ve made plenty of mistakes, motherhood is my greatest challenge and blessing. However, I no longer identify myself by my accomplishments or roles, but by who and what I really am.

I love others deeply. My trials have taught me to be more compassionate and less quick to judge. I know that I am a child of God. Learning to value myself has helped me value others as well. I know that every person I meet has infinite worth.

If I’d never married or had the opportunity to be a mother, I hope I would still value myself as a woman who has a servant’s heart and who is doing her best to face some difficult challenges. I believe God is no respecter of persons, that He loves men and women, the elderly and children, the poor and the rich with a perfect, all-powerful love. I believe he loves us when we’re doing good and when we’re messing up. Each of us is a prodigal child at times, and our Father stands waiting with open arms for us to return to Him.

So today let’s stand a little taller and remember that each of us is a person of divine worth. God loves us just the way we are. He knows the struggles we face. He knows our sorrows, our joys, and our dreams. As we turn to Him, He will give us peace amid the trials and tribulations of life.

© Carol Brown

The Power of Acceptance

I'm a very curious person, which can bring me either peace or sorrow. I love to learn about new things, read new books, meet new people. I love to travel, explore, analyze, and study. However, my curiosity becomes a negative thing when I start going down the road of "why me" or "why her, him, or them." That is a toxic journey.

Sometimes life can punch us in the gut, leaving us doubled-over and struggling for air. When that happens, it's easy to ask, "Why did that happen to me?" Why did I get cancer? Why did he leave me? Why did she die? Why was my daughter raped? Why was my son paralyzed in the accident? Why is my best friend critically ill? Why? Why? Why?

These kinds of questions can destroy our peace. They can leave us anxious, frustrated, and angry. They can create in us a perpetual state of victim hood.

So, instead of asking "why me," we can ask "why not me." We are human, and as mortals sometimes we and our loved ones get sick, suffer, and die. It isn't fair that sometimes good people suffer and some bad people do not. It isn't fair that some good people are lied about and abused while some bad people are celebrated and honored. When we accept the fact that life is not fair, we discover the power of acceptance.

Learning to accept the highs and lows of mortality with equanimity and grace fosters peace, compassion, and joy. As we accept that morality includes suffering, we also accept that suffering can teach us to be kinder and more merciful. Wayne Dyer said, "If I could define enlightenment briefly I would say it is 'the quiet acceptance of what is.'”

While we accept the injustices of life, we can also speak out against them. Think of the powerful people who have worked to overcome injustice without destroying their inner peace: Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, and Christ found peace amid suffering as they labored to serve those who needed comfort and respect. We can, too.

So, the next time you are tempted to ask, "why me," instead ask "what can I learn from my suffering so that I can better love others." Those who suffer can become bitter or blessed. Our attitude determines whether suffering destroys or enlightens us. The key to peace of mind is learning to accept suffering as a part of life and then to allow suffering to teach us compassion so that we can better love others.

Consider the words in the serenity prayer by Niebuhr:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

© Carol Brown