Thirty years ago a gentle, retiring man named Stan moved from Seattle to our desert city. About 50 years old, he married a shy young woman, and they moved into a small apartment. With few job skills, Stan struggled to find work but eventually secured employment as a street sweeper. He worked hard at his job but seemed exhausted after he returned home each evening.
Then, the persecution began. Neighbors complained that Stan wasn’t ambitious enough, that he needed to find a better-paying job. His wife told her friends and family that she disliked her husband because his job was so menial. Even some church members joined in the persecution, belittling Stan publicly and privately.
One day Stan purchased a revolver and shot himself while lying on his bed.
Before the funeral, I spoke to his brother and sister, who told me than Stan was a veteran of the Korean War. His Army boots wore deep wounds into Stan’s misshapen feet, and his feet were easily injured. The undertaker told them that Stan had open, bloody wounds on both of his feet.
A speaker at the funeral said that Stan regularly visited residents in a nursing home. He played his harmonica for them and befriended the lonely. They said Stan made a difference as he served the sick and the dying. As they described Stan’s compassion and goodness, I wished that I had taken the time to get to know him, to understand him, to love him. He could have taught me so much.
It’s so easy to misjudge others. We sometimes assume that others don’t meet our expectations., that they aren’t doing enough, accomplishing enough, aren’t good enough. We may look at the outward appearance and fail to see the heart—a heart filled with beauty, longing, and sometimes great pain. Helen Keller said, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched--they must be felt with the heart.”
The Little Prince is one of my favorite books. Written by Antoine de Saint Exupery at the beginning of this century, it describes the path to wisdom and enlightenment. The author writes, "It is only with the heart that one can see; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
I try to judge less and love more since Stan’s death. Sometimes I do fairly well; other times I fail miserably, but I’ve discovered that as I accept and love others, I feel much better about myself as well. Karma, casting your bread upon the water, the Golden Rule—however, we see the world, it is true that the love we share returns to us, sometimes in unexpected and surprising ways.
© Carol Brown
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Human Touch
Recently, I visited my relative whose mental illness is so severe that she was placed in our state mental hospital. She is angry, confused, and paranoid of almost everyone and everything. I prayed for wisdom, not knowing how to comfort her, and the thought came, "Rub her back." I asked if she would like a back rub, and she responded, "Oh, that would feel so wonderful." As I massaged her back, she relaxed and the burdens of her illness, despair, and psychosis were eased. When I left, she appeared more happy and peaceful.
While visiting a dear friend who was recuperating from major cancer surgery, I wondered what I could do to ease her pain and anguish. Tubes, scars, and monitors encased her body, and the only unwounded spot was her face and head.
"Would you like a head massage?" I asked. She nodded, and as I rubbed her scalp and forehead, I noticed the tension lift from her body. That small act seemed to make a big difference for her.
When my father was dying, a neighbor appeared regularly to shave my dad. This barber's gentle touch eased my dad's suffering and was such a priceless gift. I doubt this many ever realized the impact his kindness had on my dad.
When my husband and I volunteered in a retirement branch, we were hugged at least ten times each time we went there by the old folks. That loving connection meant so much and bonded us to these elderly saints, who lived with such serenity amid suffering. While our intention as to bless others, we discovered that these frail souls blessed our lives ours more with their smiles, hugs, loving notes, and kind words.
Hugging our children and grandchildren, high-fiving a teen, caressing the check of the dying can be such a blessing. Appropriate human touch can bless the lives of those we serve. It can create peace amid sorrow.
© Carol Brown
Friday, June 26, 2009
About Storms and Flowers
During the past weeks in our desert city, we've seen a lot of rain. The stormy weather had produced a plethora of flowers which are lingering from spring into summer. As we hunger for sunnier days, we are surrounded by a fragrant array of roses, lilies and violets. Sometimes we face the tempests and storms in life which can appear so unexpectedly. Storms can either strengthen or destroy us. If we hang on, trust in God, and allow Him to strengthen us, storms make us stronger. Then, after the storm comes the calm. Some day the Lord will return and heal this troubled world. He waits to comfort every broken heart. As we face great challenges and sorrows, He will sustain us as we seek His help.
Now, amid the calm which follows another desert storm, we are surrounded by more flowers that we've ever seen. When we endure adversity well, we learn compassion, patience, and mercy. As God's perfect love enfolds us, life is beautiful.
© Carol Brown
Seek First to Understand
A few years ago as a form of penance, I volunteered for our local Rape Recovery Center, teaching students at the juvenile detention center and at alternative high schools. Since I knew a number of the students were either rape survivors or perpetrators, it was a daunting challenge to give hope to the abused while also convincing the perpetrators that rape is a criminal, cruel behavior.
My co-presenter, a therapist named Ken, developed amazing rapport with the youth, easing gently into the discussions. He asked a number of open-ended questions and respected everyone who participated. The class presentations were frank, gritty, and honest. Our students were street smart and savvy and, with the exception of a group of young men in the JDC whom I taught without Ken, were unabashed.
I will never forget a tough group of gangsters that we taught. One heavily-tattooed youth--about 17-years old--was unimpressed when we told him that if a woman says "no," it is rape. He discussed in fairly graphic terms his own views about rape, which revealed that he not only condoned rape but that he had been a willing participant in one.
Ken listened politely and didn't flinch as the youth bragged about his exploits. Ken continued on with the discussion and then, as we were finishing our presentation, he talked about the pain and suffering that rape survivors experience. We both described the physical and psychological trauma of rape victims and told the youth that often the pain continues for years.
Then suddenly the rapist's eyes lit up. He got it. He said, "I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done it, but I thought she wanted it. Now I know better."
I realized that if Ken had confronted the youth right after he made his bold pro-rape comment, the gangster would have tuned us out. Because he felt validated and respected, he was willing to listen and learn. And he did.
That teaching experience changed my life. I am a better teacher, listener and friend. Stephen Covey's principle of seeking first to understand before seeking to be understood is a powerful one. It strengthens relationships and invites peace.
Think about how different our families, neighborhoods, and countries would be if every person worked to truly understand his neighbor. Imagine how our communities would be transformed if people listened compassionately before they spoke. Picture a world in which everyone cared about their neighbors--even the ones that are really hard to love--and respected them.
The Savior was a perfect example of this principle. He broke bread with the sinners, the sick, and the disenfranchised. He lectured the Pharisees about their self-righteous, judgmental actions, calling them "whitened selpechres." He is the perfect example of justice, mercy, and empathy.
It is so easy to make rash judgments, to condemn others, but peace on earth and peaceful living begins with consciously choosing compassion. As we try to look beyond outward appearances to see the hearts of others, we will discover that each person--even those who have made terrible choices--is a child of God. And that attitude makes all the difference.
© Carol Brown
My co-presenter, a therapist named Ken, developed amazing rapport with the youth, easing gently into the discussions. He asked a number of open-ended questions and respected everyone who participated. The class presentations were frank, gritty, and honest. Our students were street smart and savvy and, with the exception of a group of young men in the JDC whom I taught without Ken, were unabashed.
I will never forget a tough group of gangsters that we taught. One heavily-tattooed youth--about 17-years old--was unimpressed when we told him that if a woman says "no," it is rape. He discussed in fairly graphic terms his own views about rape, which revealed that he not only condoned rape but that he had been a willing participant in one.
Ken listened politely and didn't flinch as the youth bragged about his exploits. Ken continued on with the discussion and then, as we were finishing our presentation, he talked about the pain and suffering that rape survivors experience. We both described the physical and psychological trauma of rape victims and told the youth that often the pain continues for years.
Then suddenly the rapist's eyes lit up. He got it. He said, "I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done it, but I thought she wanted it. Now I know better."
I realized that if Ken had confronted the youth right after he made his bold pro-rape comment, the gangster would have tuned us out. Because he felt validated and respected, he was willing to listen and learn. And he did.
That teaching experience changed my life. I am a better teacher, listener and friend. Stephen Covey's principle of seeking first to understand before seeking to be understood is a powerful one. It strengthens relationships and invites peace.
Think about how different our families, neighborhoods, and countries would be if every person worked to truly understand his neighbor. Imagine how our communities would be transformed if people listened compassionately before they spoke. Picture a world in which everyone cared about their neighbors--even the ones that are really hard to love--and respected them.
The Savior was a perfect example of this principle. He broke bread with the sinners, the sick, and the disenfranchised. He lectured the Pharisees about their self-righteous, judgmental actions, calling them "whitened selpechres." He is the perfect example of justice, mercy, and empathy.
It is so easy to make rash judgments, to condemn others, but peace on earth and peaceful living begins with consciously choosing compassion. As we try to look beyond outward appearances to see the hearts of others, we will discover that each person--even those who have made terrible choices--is a child of God. And that attitude makes all the difference.
© Carol Brown
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
I spent a good portion of my life as a perfectionist. I don't know if I was subconciously trying to keep up with my older sister who graduated first in her medical class or if I am naturally anxious and driven, but my obsession to be the best at everything nearly killed me.
Please, I repeat please, do not attempt to do this at home.
I wanted the immaculate house, the stellar grades, the flawless life. By forty, or so, I was so tired I could hardly function. I couldn't sleep, eat, or live well. I was an absolute wreck.
Our culture preaches perfectionism. Teachers encourage us to get superior grades so that we can earn scholarships. Home improvement channels convince many that they must have the latest kitchen, bathroom, or landscape design. Magazines celebrate physical perfection, fame, and wealth. It's enough to make a person crazy!
Think about the thoughts you hear running around in your head: "Should have," "could have," "must," "have to," "would have." The list of self-berating thoughts goes on and on and on. We over-schedule, over-work, and over-do, and find ourselves emotionally and physically spent.
So if you find you're being a little too hard on yourself, here are a few suggestions to make your life more peaceful:
Schedule some time for self-renewal. Take the time to pray, meditate, and enjoy the beauties of nature. Give yourself permission to just be. God does not expect us to run faster than we can walk, and too many of us are trying to do that. Slow down. Smell the roses. Listen to the birds singing. Just be.
Manage your time. Eliminate unnecessary activities that are draining your spirit. Do your children have to be enrolled in five activities after school? Do you have to do everything asked of you? Can you say "no" to a few unessential things so you can say "yes" to more fun, rewarding activities?
Celebrate your humanity. Pat yourself on the back when you make a mistake and say, "Wow, I'm human! Isn't it wonderful that I'm alive!" During the day replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. You might say to yourself, "I am peaceful, loving, and calm person," or "I am a precious child of God," or "I am beautifully and wonderfully made." Repeat these affirmations frequently throughout the day. Write them down and put them in often-viewed places. Include healing words, music, and media in your surroundings.
Have more fun. I used to feel that all my work had to be finished before I could play. Since I was raising four very active children, I worked too much and played too little. Take a break and enjoy life. Take a walk, go bowling, read a good book, play with a child. Life flies by and suddenly our knees quit working and our backs wear out. Treasure each day that God has given you and find ways to glorify Him as you celebrate life.
In your journal, list your strengths, your talents, and your blessings. Underneath the list, write in bold letters, "I am an amazing person. God loves me just the way I am." Read your lists whenever your are feeling unworthy, unloved, and inadequate. Remember, no one in the entire universe is just like you--with your unique gifts, personality, and skills. God invites you to enjoy everyday life--starting today.
© Carol Brown
Please, I repeat please, do not attempt to do this at home.
I wanted the immaculate house, the stellar grades, the flawless life. By forty, or so, I was so tired I could hardly function. I couldn't sleep, eat, or live well. I was an absolute wreck.
Our culture preaches perfectionism. Teachers encourage us to get superior grades so that we can earn scholarships. Home improvement channels convince many that they must have the latest kitchen, bathroom, or landscape design. Magazines celebrate physical perfection, fame, and wealth. It's enough to make a person crazy!
Think about the thoughts you hear running around in your head: "Should have," "could have," "must," "have to," "would have." The list of self-berating thoughts goes on and on and on. We over-schedule, over-work, and over-do, and find ourselves emotionally and physically spent.
So if you find you're being a little too hard on yourself, here are a few suggestions to make your life more peaceful:
Schedule some time for self-renewal. Take the time to pray, meditate, and enjoy the beauties of nature. Give yourself permission to just be. God does not expect us to run faster than we can walk, and too many of us are trying to do that. Slow down. Smell the roses. Listen to the birds singing. Just be.
Manage your time. Eliminate unnecessary activities that are draining your spirit. Do your children have to be enrolled in five activities after school? Do you have to do everything asked of you? Can you say "no" to a few unessential things so you can say "yes" to more fun, rewarding activities?
Celebrate your humanity. Pat yourself on the back when you make a mistake and say, "Wow, I'm human! Isn't it wonderful that I'm alive!" During the day replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. You might say to yourself, "I am peaceful, loving, and calm person," or "I am a precious child of God," or "I am beautifully and wonderfully made." Repeat these affirmations frequently throughout the day. Write them down and put them in often-viewed places. Include healing words, music, and media in your surroundings.
Have more fun. I used to feel that all my work had to be finished before I could play. Since I was raising four very active children, I worked too much and played too little. Take a break and enjoy life. Take a walk, go bowling, read a good book, play with a child. Life flies by and suddenly our knees quit working and our backs wear out. Treasure each day that God has given you and find ways to glorify Him as you celebrate life.
In your journal, list your strengths, your talents, and your blessings. Underneath the list, write in bold letters, "I am an amazing person. God loves me just the way I am." Read your lists whenever your are feeling unworthy, unloved, and inadequate. Remember, no one in the entire universe is just like you--with your unique gifts, personality, and skills. God invites you to enjoy everyday life--starting today.
© Carol Brown
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tender Mercies
This last week has been hard. I had surgery at the same time my husband scheduled to carpet our entire house. It was not a fun week. When I needed to be resting, I was trying to move stuff around and hurt my knee--again.
But now that most of the work is over and my knee is starting to feel a bit better, I'm thinking about the tender mercies that have happened. My husband's back, shoulder, and foot have not hurt him--amazing! Lately, he has a lot of issues with those parts of his body, and it's nothing short of a miracle that he's not in excruciating pain.
And our children and their spouses have come to our rescue every time we've needed help. What a blessing! We've known our share of heartache in our family--much more than we ever imagined--but our children have been so kind to rescue us from a furniture-moving nightmare.
Whenever little miracles like this occur, I like to call them tender mercies. A friend shows up at just the right time. Sometime calls when you feel overwhelmed with life. Someone comes to help you just when you needed him. (And your husband's health issues resolve so that he can do some herculean work.) These aren't coincidences.
So tonight amid some tears of gratitude I thank God for watching over us--even when we have created our own mini-crisis of sorts.
When I was caring for my dying mother, one of her home health nurses told me that her mother loved monarch butterflies. She and her mom had a "thing" about these beautiful creatures. They admired them and talked about them. A lot.
She said right after her mother died, a huge monarch butterfly flew in front of the window and hovered there for longer than most butterflies ever hover. The nurse told me she knew it was her mother's way of saying "I love you" and "I'm okay."
God shows His love to us in many ways. A glorious world with its myriad creations. The kindness of strangers. And tender mercies--however and whenever they appear. Thank God for His goodness and for his unexpected--and often undeserved--tender mercies.
© Carol Brown
But now that most of the work is over and my knee is starting to feel a bit better, I'm thinking about the tender mercies that have happened. My husband's back, shoulder, and foot have not hurt him--amazing! Lately, he has a lot of issues with those parts of his body, and it's nothing short of a miracle that he's not in excruciating pain.
And our children and their spouses have come to our rescue every time we've needed help. What a blessing! We've known our share of heartache in our family--much more than we ever imagined--but our children have been so kind to rescue us from a furniture-moving nightmare.
Whenever little miracles like this occur, I like to call them tender mercies. A friend shows up at just the right time. Sometime calls when you feel overwhelmed with life. Someone comes to help you just when you needed him. (And your husband's health issues resolve so that he can do some herculean work.) These aren't coincidences.
So tonight amid some tears of gratitude I thank God for watching over us--even when we have created our own mini-crisis of sorts.
When I was caring for my dying mother, one of her home health nurses told me that her mother loved monarch butterflies. She and her mom had a "thing" about these beautiful creatures. They admired them and talked about them. A lot.
She said right after her mother died, a huge monarch butterfly flew in front of the window and hovered there for longer than most butterflies ever hover. The nurse told me she knew it was her mother's way of saying "I love you" and "I'm okay."
God shows His love to us in many ways. A glorious world with its myriad creations. The kindness of strangers. And tender mercies--however and whenever they appear. Thank God for His goodness and for his unexpected--and often undeserved--tender mercies.
© Carol Brown
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Be the Change You Wish to See in the World
Through his peaceful and courageous works, Mahatma Gandhi brought freedom and self-governance to the people of India. Because of his powerful example, he inspired his country's leaders to give greater human rights for women, to the untouchables, and to people of diverse religious beliefs. One person can make such a big difference in the world.
Most of us would be surprised at the positive impact we can have--and are having-- in the lives of others. Mothers, fathers, and those who care for children can influence generations. Teachers can transform the lives of children and youth. Community volunteers can reduce crime, make communities safer for children and families, and enhance the quality of life.
So many simple acts have made such a big difference in my life. After my eighth-grade English teacher mentioned that I was an exceptional writer, I decided to pursue a writing and teacher career. When I was beside myself with grief because my daughter had been terribly abused, a friend stopped by and hugged me. Her simple comment of "I love you, and "I'm here for you" made an unbearable burden bearable. When I was caring for my dying mother, friends brought over simple meals which seemed like manna from heaven.
You don't have to be a Gandhi or a Mother Teresa to change in the world. One comment you make can impact a life for the good. One small act of kindness can heal a broken heart. One prayer can comfort a wounded soul.
Miracles begin with loving kindness. So be the change you wish to see in the world and notice the small and great blessings that appear. As we live with peace and compassion, we become a powerful force for good.
© Carol Brown
Most of us would be surprised at the positive impact we can have--and are having-- in the lives of others. Mothers, fathers, and those who care for children can influence generations. Teachers can transform the lives of children and youth. Community volunteers can reduce crime, make communities safer for children and families, and enhance the quality of life.
So many simple acts have made such a big difference in my life. After my eighth-grade English teacher mentioned that I was an exceptional writer, I decided to pursue a writing and teacher career. When I was beside myself with grief because my daughter had been terribly abused, a friend stopped by and hugged me. Her simple comment of "I love you, and "I'm here for you" made an unbearable burden bearable. When I was caring for my dying mother, friends brought over simple meals which seemed like manna from heaven.
You don't have to be a Gandhi or a Mother Teresa to change in the world. One comment you make can impact a life for the good. One small act of kindness can heal a broken heart. One prayer can comfort a wounded soul.
Miracles begin with loving kindness. So be the change you wish to see in the world and notice the small and great blessings that appear. As we live with peace and compassion, we become a powerful force for good.
© Carol Brown
Monday, June 22, 2009
Loving Ourselves
For every narcissist, there are a hundreds of people who do not truly love themselves. Some belittle and berate themselves for things they would not condemn in another. At times some of my close friends--and I--have not loved ourselves well. This attitude can lead to depression, disallusion, or discouragement. It can destroy feelings of self-worth and serenity.
So how do we gain--and maintain--a healthy love for ourselves? How we do learn to love ourselves so that we can find peace amid the sorrows and adversities of life? I would suggest three attitudes are critical.
First, accept the fact that God really does love you. He is love. He loves you when you are good and bad, when you make mistakes and when you don't, when you're strong and weak. He loves you just the way you are at this very moment.
Consider Paul's testimony: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?....For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
If you do not feel God's love in your life right now, ask Him to reveal it to you. Ask Him to help you understand how much He truly loves you. Then spend some quiet moments with Him and allow Him to fill your heart with His infinite love. This may take time. If you are deeply wounded, it may not happen overnight. But with time, you will feel of His love for you--and of His love for all of His creations.
Next, allow God's love to move through you to others. We feel God's love as we allow Him to use us as an instrument of His love. If you are completely exhausted, you may reflect His love by simply smiling at someone. Or praying for a stranger that you pass. Or speaking a kind word. Simple acts can intensify the love that we feel from God.
Finally, allow people to love you. When we're hurting and feeling unloved, it's easy to wrap ourselves in a tight little box and refuse to let others into our lives. Sometimes we need to take time out from unessential activities. We need to take a break and rest. But we also need to allow loving people into our lives. If we don't, we enter into a spiral of isolation and despair.
I had learned these truths for myself when I have felt unworthy of love and believed I could not love myself. I have discovered that we can love God because He first loved us. And as we love Him and feel of His love for us, we find peace amid sorrow. We may feel overwhelmed at times by life's vicissitudes, but we can still trust in one thing: that God love us. And that makes all the difference.
So how do we gain--and maintain--a healthy love for ourselves? How we do learn to love ourselves so that we can find peace amid the sorrows and adversities of life? I would suggest three attitudes are critical.
First, accept the fact that God really does love you. He is love. He loves you when you are good and bad, when you make mistakes and when you don't, when you're strong and weak. He loves you just the way you are at this very moment.
Consider Paul's testimony: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?....For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
If you do not feel God's love in your life right now, ask Him to reveal it to you. Ask Him to help you understand how much He truly loves you. Then spend some quiet moments with Him and allow Him to fill your heart with His infinite love. This may take time. If you are deeply wounded, it may not happen overnight. But with time, you will feel of His love for you--and of His love for all of His creations.
Next, allow God's love to move through you to others. We feel God's love as we allow Him to use us as an instrument of His love. If you are completely exhausted, you may reflect His love by simply smiling at someone. Or praying for a stranger that you pass. Or speaking a kind word. Simple acts can intensify the love that we feel from God.
Finally, allow people to love you. When we're hurting and feeling unloved, it's easy to wrap ourselves in a tight little box and refuse to let others into our lives. Sometimes we need to take time out from unessential activities. We need to take a break and rest. But we also need to allow loving people into our lives. If we don't, we enter into a spiral of isolation and despair.
I had learned these truths for myself when I have felt unworthy of love and believed I could not love myself. I have discovered that we can love God because He first loved us. And as we love Him and feel of His love for us, we find peace amid sorrow. We may feel overwhelmed at times by life's vicissitudes, but we can still trust in one thing: that God love us. And that makes all the difference.
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