Self-Compassion versus Self-Esteem

Dr. Kristen Neff recently published a book about self-compassion, which is her research specialty as a psychologist. Self-esteem, which is promoted in many schools throughout the United States, is comparison-based and fear-based. It emphasizes that we need to be better than others to be valued. It assumes that we need to be smarter, more attractive, more successful that others, a thinking pattern that can foster anxiety and depression if we don't believe we're good enough or narcissism and selfishness if we assume we're better than others.

Self-compassion is love-based, an acceptance and appreciation for ourselves just the way we, divine children of God, are. When we have self-compassion, we treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would treat a dear friend. We seek to love ourselves as unconditionally as God loves us. Sharon Salzberg says, "Loving ourselves points us to capacities of resilence, compassion,and understanding within that are simply part of being alive."

Dr. Neff explains that self-compassion has three components:

Self-kindness. When we are gentle and patient with ourselves, we accept the fact that we won't always have the life experiences we would choose and we won't always be perfect in every situation. This simple but profound change in our thinking patterns can enhance our inner peace.

Common humanity. When we realize that all people suffer and experience sorrow and difficulties at times, we discover that we are not alone. We are consequently less judgmental of our personal mistakes and find it easier to forgive ourselves and others when we or they are less than perfect.

Mindfulness. When we are mindful, we recognize our negative emotions, feel them, and then allow ourselves to release them so that they are neither suppressed or exaggerated. As we become aware of the verbal chatter we listen to in our minds, we can also notice the physical results of our thinking. For example, fearful thinking may produce tension in our necks, backs, or shoulders. When we allow ourselves to process our fears, we can then work on releasing the tension in our bodies and minds through meditation and mindfulness.

Dr. Neff's book is a ground-breaking work in self-compassion, which is an important component of peace. She writes, "Self-compassion has the power to....transmute suffering into joy. By changing the way we relate to our own imperfection and pain, we can actually change our experience of living. Try as we may, we can't control life so that it is exactly as we want it to...yet when we wrap our suffering in the cocoon of compassion, something new emerges. Some wonderful, exquisite, beautiful."

&copy Carol Brown

Peace and Self-Compassion

Sometimes we are kinder to others than we are to ourselves. Many of us are more forgiving and compassionate to others than we are to ourselves. When we continually give to others without caring for ourselves, we may experience burn out or even severe depression.

So how to we show self-compassion without becoming a narcissist? Here are a few ways that can help:

• Remember that you are a beloved child of God, and that He loves you just the way you are. Just as a parent loves their children unconditionally, God loves us with a pure and perfect love. He cares about us more than we can comprehend. He loved you—individually—enough to die for you, that you might live forever with Him if you choose to love and follow Him.


• Learn to distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt motivates us to turn away from sin and turn towards God. Shame locks us in fear that we aren’t good enough, beautiful enough, or capable enough—even when we are doing our best. Dr. Brene Brown writes: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Seek to eliminate shameful thoughts from your mind and replace them with thoughts of gratitude and love.

• Celebrate your talents and divine worth. Remember that God created you in His image and that you are amazing just the way you are. No one in the world has your abilities and gifts. As you cultivate your talents and share them with others, you will experience inner peace. With that peace, we can become an instrument in healing the world.

Today, do something kind for yourself. In the process, you will be energied to show compassion for others. Remember, God asks us to love others as we love ourselves--not instead of loving ourselves.

The Dalai Lama, in his book How to Be Compassionate, says: "As we become nicer human beings, our neighbors, friends, parents, spouses, and children will experience less anger, prompting them to become more warm-hearted, compassionate, and harmonious. The very atmosphere becomes happier, which even promotes good health. This is the way to change the world."

Perfect Peace

It's been a hectic few months filled with joy and sorrow. My husband's brother died, then mine. A beloved cousin passed away. Our son married a wonderful woman and is now the parent of three beautiful children. There were days of happiness and days filled with pain. Some experiences brought me peace. Others broke my heart.

Yet, amid the challenges of life, the Lord promises us peace when He trust in Him.

May you enjoy this inspired song and experience greater peace on your life.

Peace and Perfectionism

Some of us are trying too hard to do too much. We are weary and don't find the peace we are seeking. If you are an over-achiever, you may need to slow down to find peace. You may need to say "no" to some less essential things so that you can embrace the simple joys of living.

God knows you better than you know yourself. He wants you to be happy. He wants to enfold you in the arms of His love. To experience that bliss, we need to tune out the world with its worries and fears and tune into the comfort of God's infinite compassion for each one of us.

When God asked us to become "perfect," as the Bible suggests, the Greek origin of that word is "whole" and "complete". God wants us to develop our talents and gifts in a joyful manner. He wants us to learn to love and forgive completely and without reservation. He wants heal us with His grace and unimaginable power, but He does not want us to wear ourselves out chasing unrealistic goals.

Yesterday I attended my brother-in-law Ray's funeral. During the past year, two brothers and two of my dearest friends have died. Most of my extended family have passed away, and I've grieved at the loss of many of my closest friends. These dear people have taught me many lessons about finding peace. Here are a few:

Don't sweat the small stuff. People who are dying treasure time with loved ones. They don't care about the material possessions they have accumulated but value precious moments spent with close friends and family members. People who don't sweat the small stuff experience greater peace than those who do.

Live in the moment. The past is gone. Don't fret about it. The future is ahead. Don't worry about events that may never occur. Plan wisely and then enjoy the beauties of life. Listen to the birds chirping outside your window. Notice the leaves blooming on the trees. Watch the sparkle in the eyes of your loved ones. Breathe deeply and reflect on the blessings which God has given you.

Celebrate life. My dear brother-in-law Terry has buried two wives, two sons, and his beloved granddaughter is currently fighting brain cancer.His life has been very difficult, yet his trials have taught him that God lives and loves Him. Terry shares God's love with others by sending them an inspirational text each morning that he has composed. He reaches out to those who are grieving and invites family members to lunch each week. He loves life and has become a hero to those of us who are fortunate to know and love him.

Remember that ideals are not sticks to beat ourselves with but stars to steer by. Only one man ever walked the earth, and Jesus was and is God incarnate. As we learn from His example, we realize that God Himself took times to go into the mountains and commune with His Father. He took time to meditate and rest. Our Sabbaths offer us a day of spiritual renewal, and we can take time each day to refresh our spirits as we pray, read the Scriptures, and bask in God's love.

I like the story of the little cracked pot. A waterbearer in India had two large pots. One hung on each end of a pole, which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the mistress's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily. The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream: "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

The pot replied, "I have been able for these past two years to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your mistress's house. Because of my flaws, you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer replied, "As we return to the mistress's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

As they went up the hill, the cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some, but at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so it again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.

“For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my mistress's table. Without you being just the way you are, she would not have this beauty to grace her house."

May we remember that each of us can become instruments in God's hands as we give our hearts--and our weaknesses--to Him and and allow Him to make our weak things strong according to I will and perfect timing.

© Carol Brown

Peace-filled Thinking

When we center our thoughts on love, hope, and faith, we experience peace. In a world filled with messages of hate and despair, sometimes we find that we lose the sense of serenity that we seek, yet peace is available. Consider the words of Paul, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:6-7).

Paul teaches us how to turn negative thoughts into peace-filled ones in this simple statement. Here a few tips that may help you experience greater peace and happiness as you implement Paul's advice.

Give your worries to God.

All of us have concerns and troubles at times, and when we do, we need a Higher Power to help us. We can tell God about all of our worries and fears and then give them to Him. Let Him carry them. Let Him comfort us.

Ask for help.

Life is too hard to make it on our own. We need God's help. Ask Him specifically for the things you need. If you need help on a test, ask Him help you remember the things you've studied. If you need help in a relationship, ask Him what you can do to strengthen and sustain it? If you need help in solving a difficult problem, study out possible solutions and then ask God to confirm if your choice is the right one. He waits to listen and is the best Counselor ever!

Give thanks in all things.

Many times when we find we are discouraged and disheartened, we are forgetting to express gratitude for the blessings we have. Can you see? Give thanks. Can you walk? Give thanks. Can you hear? Give God praise for that gift. Can you smell, taste, breathe, laugh, and love? Thank God for those precious gifts. As we focus on what we have--and not on what we lack--we discover that we are rich in the things that really matter.

Ask God to guard your thoughts and feelings.

If you find yourself berating yourself or others, ask Him to give you compassion. If you find yourself condemning yourself or others, ask Him to give you mercy. If you find yourself losing hope, ask Him to strengthen your faith. Then, after you ask for His help, decide to change your thoughts. Think positively of yourself and others. Choose to forgive. Spend time each day praising God and remembering His many acts of kindness and tender mercy.

God wants us to be happy. As we center on thoughts on Christ, He will show us how to experience peace. We know apostle Paul suffered throughout his life with physical infirmities, and yet God used Him as a powerful instrument for good. Paul wrote that the Lord told him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Paul replied, "Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me....For when I am weak, then am I strong."

May you find the peace this day that God is so eager to give you.

I Know that My Redeemer Lives

The Savior I love healed the sick, the blind, and the infirm. He showed compassion for those who were weak, ostracized, or despised. Even an ailing woman who touched the hem of His clock was healed because of her faith in Him. He ate with sinners and treated women as equals. He is a God of love.

The Savior I love fed five thousand people with a boy's offering of five fishes and two loaves of bread, yet after the people feasted until they were full, there was enough food left over to fill twelve baskets. He is a God of generosity.

The Savior I worship forgave an adulterous woman who was about to be stoned and asked her accusers to condemn her only if they were without sin. He forgave the soldiers who crucified Him while suffering on the cross. He is a God of mercy.

The Savior I love calmed the troubled seas, turned water into wine at a wedding celebration, and comforted the broken hearted. He raised the dead. He suffered beyond anything we can comprehend for you and for me. He laid down His life for us and then took it up again, that each of us may be resurrected. He is a God of power.

The Christ I worship has infinite love, goodness, and purity. He asks us to follow Him so that we can be happy. He asks us to love Him so we can find peace.



© Carol Brown

The Peace of Patience

My friend, Suzanne, who has know her share of trials and adversity, calls patience the "p" word because it sometimes seems difficult to not sweat the small stuff and to wait patiently on the Lord when life is difficult. Suzanne had undergone numerous surgeries and faces the challenges of poverty and loneliness with grace, yet some days she admits that she is too critical of herself and others. Although some are naturally patient--like my granddaught Chloe, who is amazingly patient for a two-year old, patience is a quality that each of us can develop more fully and is worth the effort.

St. Teresa of Avila, one of my favorite sages, said,

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Patience comes when we allow God to become our strength, our hope, and our peace, even during times of suffering. Although trusting in God doesn't always come easily, when we do, it makes our life easy. I have learned that when we rely on Christ, His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

So how do we increase in patience?

Breathe.

Before you speak or act in a negative manner, breathe deeply and ask yourself, "Does this promote peace? Is this a loving thing to say or do?" Sometimes, the most loving thing we can say is, "No. I wish I could but I can't right now." We cannot be everything to everyone and promote patience.

Focus.

Focus on God's perfect love for you. Focus of the fact that each one of us is a child of God. Picture Him as a loving Shepherd who is nourishing you, leading you beside still waters, and healing you. Picture His loving expression as He holds you in His arms. Remember that He carries you every moment of your life, not just when times are difficult, but every moment of every day.

Trust.

Give your problems, concerns and worries to God in prayer, trusting that He will carry your burdens and bind up your broken heart. Believe that God loves you more that you can even imagine and that He waits to help you face life's challenges. He longs for you to ask for His help. He stands at the door, waiting for you to knock.

Paul taught, "Be patient with all. See that no one returns evil for evil; rather, always seek what is good for each other and for all" (1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, NAB). In Galatians, patience is listed as one of the "fruit of the Spirit": "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law". (Galatians 5:21-23, NIV). In Timothy, the Bible states that "Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life".(1 Timothy 1:15-17, NIV).

May we follow the Savior's example, who forgave His enemies, served those who were forgotten or rejected, and who loved others perfectly. May we enjoy the peace of His patience.

© Carol Brown

How to Experience Peace of Mind

The thoughts we choose determine whether or not we experience peace. We have the power to choose thoughts of fear or thoughts of love. As we monitor our thoughts, we can decide to eliminate negative, toxic thoughts and replace them with peace-filled, healing ones. This is one of the greatest powers we possess, for our thoughts determine the words we speak and the actions we perform. We are what we think.

As we monitor our thoughts, we become observers and managers of them. We then can choose to eliminate negative thoughts before that overwhelm us and replace them with positive ones. For example, if I find myself criticizing a situation or person, I replace those judgmental thoughts with loving ones. I pray for those whom I have allowed to offend me. I look for the strengths in others, rather than weaknesses. I celebrate the divine in everyone I meet, remembering that we are all children of God, who loves us with immeasurable love.

Just like it's easier to pull a weed when it's small, it's easier to remove negative thought patterns when they first begin. If you find that toxic or unpleasant thoughts are disturbing your peace of mind, replace them with thoughts of gratitude and love. I have learned that when we foster loving thoughts, it dispells our fearful ones.

In his book Anatomy of the Soul, Dr. Curt Thompson shows have we can rewire our minds by transforming our thinking patterns. A psychiatrist, Dr. Thompson shares many ideas that help us do that. Here are a few of them:

Meditation "The practice of meditation....puts us in position to be open to God's search of us. It enables us to be aware of our bodies and how God may be speaking to us through them." Psalms 119 says, "I meditate on your precepts and consider yours ways....Cause me to understand the way of your precepts, that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds."

Prayer "Meditation naturally leads to prayer. Paul admonishes us to be devoted to prayer (Colossians 4:2); not only should we long to pray, we should be aware that it, too, will require hard work....Prayer in turn leads us, like the psalmist, to answer God with our prayers of petition and praise as we become aware of the depth of his love and beauty."

Fasting Dr. Thompson says that fasting "puts us deeply in touch with our bodies" and helps us realize how often we use food to "shut off distressing emotion triggered by implicit memories."

Study Dr. Thompson suggests that keeping a written prayer and reflection journal is helpful, along with enjoying the beauties of nature and various expressions of art.

As we pray, meditate, study, and serve, we discover the mind of Christ. Consider Paul's words: "The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:5-6). "The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except that person's own spirit within?...Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2).

I have discovered that when I observe my thoughts, replacing fearful ones with peaceful ones, my life is transformed. As I reflect on God's infinite love for me, I can better radiate that love to others. As I feel His love, I want to share His love through service and kindness, which is a wonderful way to experience peace of mind.








© Carol Brown